By Christin Perry-Michalik
Christin Perry-Michalik is a licensed therapist and a member of the Lost Voices Board of Directors.
I have been a therapist for the past 16 years, with all but 2 of those years working exclusively or predominantly with children and teens. One of the more disturbing things I’ve been seeing in recent years is increasingly anxious kids who think their lives are all about resume-building. They are convinced that getting good grades and pursuing the right activities will get them into the “right” school, so that they can then land the “right” career. Kids are depressed. They are less able to just be kids, using childhood to figure out and appreciate the inherent value in who they are.
Instead, they feel they have to earn value by being “good enough.”
Often kids like those we see in Lost Voices programs experience traumas, and this of course creates anxiety. But we also have a large portion of our kids who have supposedly experienced all the right things through education, team sports and other activities who don’t know how to relax, don’t know how to connect, and don’t know their worth.
The bottom line here is that kids are taught to focus on learning information instead of learning how to think, problem solve, and then trust their own ability to do so. This results in depression and anxiety.
Here is an excellent TED Talk on this subject by Boston College psychology professor Peter Gray.
I have seen significant shifts happen just in my career as a therapist. I used to see kids draw and play with creativity and without inhibition. Now I see kids ask what they are supposed to draw, what are the rules for play. They ask me, as the adult, to lead the play. We have taught kids that their job is to learn our rules in order to fit in and be happy, instead of them controlling their happiness by deciding their path. To combat this, I tell the kids they are the director, and they can whisper directions to me.
Play is the natural way that kids embody their worth and trust themselves by experiencing conflict, some danger, and uninhibited joy. Play is how kids learn and trust their internal locus of control. The natural instinct to create rhythm and melody also taps into kids non-verbal way of processing and expressing emotions.
Music is another form of play. In a therapy office it looks like little kids playing an “angry song” or a “safe song”. In a Lost Voices session with our musicians it may look like singing a song about longing for home, finding their strength, and their hope. The process of play, including making music, is a natural way for kids to find their voice and having it be heard by another. The healing is in the process.
So have kids do chores, sure, but don’t do it just to teach them how to clean. Teach them they are capable in order to build their confidence. Let kids play in an unstructured way, not just to burn off energy, but to trust they are using that energy for natural building of character, connection, and self worth. Above all, let kids play their own games, dance to their own music, or make up and sing that song that heals.
